Dealing with Infertility as a Stepparent~By Lydia Loewenstein

Let me first start off with saying that you are all amazing, strong and wonderful women. And you should NEVER feel guilty for wanting a child of your own flesh & blood.

Being a stepparent and co-parenting is already a challenge without adding the extra stress and enormous bag of mixed emotions to the infertility journey. It’s already hard enough trying to find your place in your spouse’s life with them juggling the roles of husband, dad and ex-husband.
And I’m pretty sure we have all felt the same fear of rejection and abandonment because of our infertility. I mean, it would make perfect sense in our hormonal-crazed minds for our husband to leave us and go back to his ex-wife, because at least she can give him children plus it would make it easier on the already present off-spring.

Anyone else feel or felt that way, or is it just me…..

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 15 years and struggling with infertility for 10 years.   I can confidently say we have been thru enough emotional and mental stress to last several life times.  It takes a strong committed couple to survive this journey together, but we all have our breaking points.  I am ashamed to admit that the weight of the stress almost torn us apart.  But we are stronger because of our trials.  Step-parenting and dealing with infertility does eventually get better. It’s best compared to getting sucker punched in the gut every single day. Same crap, different day but you start to become immune to the pain and it just becomes a part of your everyday normal.  

Being a step-parent is great practice for rejection when dealing with infertility. It sounds terrible but it’s true. Example: Your step-kid loves to dance and wants to join a dance class. Bio mom said no, for reasons, who knows. I think it would cut into her tanning time and funds. Never mind that the large amount of child support she receives monthly is meant to be used for the children’s needs and wants. 

So as a step-parent you contact the dance school and schedule a time to meet the teacher with your step kid. You figure out which classes your step kid wants to sign up for, making sure the class day falls on “your time” with the step kids because heaven forbid, bio-mom give an inch of “her time” for her kid. You sign the papers, pay the fees & then proceed to order the proper dance attire and accessories your step kid needs for the class. (I should probably mention that we all lived in the same small town.  And my husband had to traveled a lot during the week, which left the step kids and I alone a lot of times. But I didn’t mind at all because I loved my step kids.)
Classes are every week and you are the one getting your step kid to and from classes. When the recital comes around, you pay for all the costumes and extras that are needed. And even volunteer your time to help back stage to ensure it’s a smooth production. After the recital ends and they release the kids. Who do you think the first person is that your step kid goes running too? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not you. Talk about a dagger thru the heart.

Same thing with infertility. You track, you chart, you go to different doctors, you takes pills, give yourself shots, you even change your diet. And for what?! Just so you can be rejected again and again and again every single month. And every month you look yourself in the mirror with eyes red, mascara running down your cheeks and tell yourself, “I’ve got this!“

You are a strong, wonderful and an amazing women. You can’t compare yourself to anyone else because there is no one else like you.  You are unique and there is a special path laid out just for you.  Stay strong and know that you are not along in this journey!

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