by Sheena Stafford
The truth is…I look normal. Husband. 3 kids. 2 dogs. Cozy apt. Nice car. Strikingly Normal. Then, theres the ugly truth. The stuff that no one can see. The invisible reason my life changed. INFERTILITY. It’s silent and hidden. I find myself screaming from tall buildings ” Im infertile” I’ve had a miscarriage. I’ve had 5 in fact. Then there’s the novel of things wrong with me. The blame on that cant be shared with my husband. He’s healthy. The truth is…i feel broken. I feel like my body has betrayed me. I feel like i was being punished for my wild youth. I feeeeeeeeel. I feel it all. But…I have kids…i must be cured. What. sweet. bliss. Or so family members and people in general seem to believe. I know because a family member went on a rant about it (we’ve allllll been there). “Why is Sheena at an infertility walk? She has kids. She has no place there!!” The funny thing about that statement is the only time I’ve felt like i had a place was talking to other women and couples about their infertility. If you haven’t been through it you it’s hard to understand. My kids are my joy. I’ve never wanted anything more that i wanted them. I longed for motherhood. Yet, no child should draw their first breathe with a job or as a replacement. They didn’t cure me. They aren’t going to replace the babies I’ve lost. I still have moments where i feel like one of my kids is missing. That moment of panic like, ” oh no where the other one” but all three will be in the same room. The truth is…painful. That cant be ignored. Infertility doesn’t stop the second you become a parent. It wont erase the damage infertility has caused. You’ll still deal with the loss, the heartache. It will effect you the rest of your life. We all have a decision to make What do you do with infertility? Ive chosen advocacy. Im going to take the cruel lessons that infertility has given me to help those around me. Some compassion to broken hearts. Share tears with another mother who will never hold her baby. You are not alone. Im going to give beauty to the ugliness.