Knowing When Your Done

How do you deal with infertility when you are no longer trying to conceive? I have always wanted a minimum of three kids. This was something my husband and I both agreed on long before we were even married. Here I am now with two perfect children. I know I have more than many others who are struggling with infertility, but something is still missing in my life. 
While actively ttc, infertility support groups filled me with hope and strength. They pushed me to try one more time. Now I don’t feel like I belong. Every post about starting their journey with IUI or IVF hurts. I am angry that we can’t try again. I know why it isn’t possible for us, but it still hurts. Every post about a negative pregnancy test hurts, because I know the pain they are feeling. Every post about a success hurts. While I am so happy for that person, I am sad for myself. I don’t post about my rants or asking for advice anymore, because I feel selfish. Selfish for wanting more when I know some people would be happy with just one… and here I am with two. I feel alone. 

While at a conference, I listened to couple speak about knowing when your journey is over. This particular couple knew their journey was over and they made the decision together to not have children. They maxed out their credit cards paying for fertility treatments and didn’t feel like adoption was an option. They both had procedures to make their decision final… They would no longer have that hope each month that by some miracle they would conceive naturally. But with that, they also wouldn’t have the pain that came along with negative pregnancy tests and starting your period each month. They knew their decision was final. They weren’t losing hope, they were at peace with their choice and are choosing to live a child free life. They made other plans for their life together. 

While my story is much different then theirs, I hope someday I can come to terms with the fact that my journey is over. I want to feel at peace with knowing my journey is over. Right now though, it just doesn’t seem possible. Just yesterday I took a pregnancy test (why? I’m not sure since I knew what it would say)… Of course it was negative. I skipped out an a gender reveal party that night because I just didn’t want to deal with those feelings. An hour after watching the video of the reveal that was posted to Facebook, I started my period. Life sure has a way to rub things in. I just want to know how you find peace knowing your journey is over. 

This post was written shared with us by an anonymous contributor.