Written for Conceive Nebraska by Sheena Stafford
Ya know, when I was in the middle of infertility, I would imagine what it was gonna be like to be a mom. I pictured myself to be a cool Mary fucking Poppins. Patience, kindness, compassion, and wisdom…I’d have all of those and I’d never yell while we crafted together like a bunch of Martha Stewart clones. It was going to be perfect. I was going to be the perfect mother.
Turns out, I’m still human. My daughter is my clone and pushes me to my limit everyday. My oldest son screams like a pterodactyl when he’s angry. My baby is so damn sneaky, any naughty thing you can think of he’s doing it all. In any way he can combine and enhance the naughty-he’s got it. I didn’t realize it was gonna be so hard! I end up balling almost everyday. I’m trying to keep these amazing tiny beings alive and somehow turn them into functioning adults, when I doubt my own ability to function!!!
I scream, I yell, but mostly I feeeeel so guilty. Guilty that I’m not who I envisioned. Everyday I tell myself I’m just be a little bit better today. I’m gonna be able to actually get the laundry put away today. The fuse on my temper is gonna be just a little longer today. I’m gonna be exactly the mother my kids deserve! Don’t get me wrong, my life is magic. I’m surrounded by these amazing tiny people that I MADE!!! My body defied what doctors told me. My children are silly, happy, hilarious, special, and so smart. It’s beautiful. It’s exhilarating. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.
We as mothers, no matter how we made our way to motherhood, need to be forgiving with ourselves. I’m not any less deserving of my kids because I have bad days. I put everything into my kids. I’m constantly exhausted and overwhelmed but I wouldn’t change any of it. My struggle made me a better mother- thats for sure-but it didn’t make me perfect and that’s okay!
You are enough and so am I!