Every pregnancy has this beautiful beginning. Those moments after those two lines pop up is perfection. A perfect life. A perfect family. A perfect Baby.
Recently, our genetic tests came back for a high possibility for a congenital disorder. I was blown away. But this is my rainbow baby! My rainbow babies always come back perfect. We’ve survived past 12 weeks…that means something, right?!?!? RIGHT?!?! And the answer is I don’t know. I read up on the disorder and wept. The kind of crying that can only come from the depths of your soul. 20% die in infancy or they are having a team of doctors with them with long hospital visits. That could be us.
Ive had to look really hard at myself and my family. Can we handle this? Can I handle my child dying? Can I handle my child basically living in a hospital room? Do I have the strength to handle this? I know this answer. I would do anything for my child’s survival. While I’m unsure of where my story ends, I realized I have to say something. This is rotting me from the inside out. I just want to be able to breath. Im struggling writing this because it’s so personal. But I need to get this out. Even if this baby is “perfect,” this has changed me forever.
I no longer have the capacity for bullshit. I no longer care for one-sided friendships. I no longer see things as I did before. I can no longer live my life as I did before. While Im desperate for answers, I know that this baby is mine. I know she’s is perfect for me. That she is perfect for us.